Gatecrashers
by Sam Worth
Summary: Colonel Klink was really happy about the one wedding he wasn't invited to until Hogan realized that he would like to go. Written for the SSSW 2018 challenge.


_Written for the SSSW 18. Used lines in bold. Special thanks to_ _ **Sapphire363**_ _for beta reading! Thank you very much! All remaining mistakes are my own._

 **Gatecrashers**

Hogan beamed at Hilda. "How is my young lady today?"

She grinned, put her elbow on the table and opened up her hand. "It depends."

Hogan's smile widened. After verifying they were alone, he pulled out new nylon stockings and let them fall into her hand.

"Now, my day is perfect." Hilda fingered the material with a content sigh. "The commandant is in his office. He is in a great mood – so if you want something, now would be a good time."

"Thanks for the tip, but I'd rather continue where we were stopped last time." He sat slightly on her table and put his hand under her chin, drawing her nearer. She closed her eyes in anticipation of the coming kiss.

"Fraulein Hilda?" Klink's voice interrupted them.

Hogan sighed. His shoulder dropped and he pulled a face. "Now, he has ruined my day."

Hilda snickered but stood up and walked to the door. Before she could open it, Hogan rushed past her and stormed into Klink's office. "Herr Kommandant, I must protest. Light was turned off three minutes before time and I couldn't finish reading my fairy tale. I'll seek redress for this."

"Oh, Colonel Hogan." Klink stood relaxed behind his desk and looked happy to see him. "Isn't today a beautiful day? You only know me as a harsh commandant, but this fine evening, I will share with you – you'll get an hour more light. And before this," Klink rubbed his hands together, "would you care to join me for a cigar?"

Hogan hesitated. Looking over his shoulder, he shot Hilda a questioning glare. She just shrugged and mouthed: "told you so." Then she closed the door. Klink gleamed and Hogan found himself slightly worried about the happiness. "What's the occasion?"

"Take a guess", Klink prompted and wrung his hand in anticipation of a good joke.

"The war is over?" Hogan mistrusted Klink's superior grin.

The commandant waved his hand. "Far better. In just two hours, Gertrude Linkmeyer will marry an industrial magnate from Munich. And then she will be gone." He sighed happily. "No more threats of marriage, no more sleepless nights when she is in town. Finally, I'll be free."

Hogan relaxed. For a moment he had actually forgotten that Klink sometimes had different priorities. "In just two hours you said?" He glanced at his watch thoughtfully. " **An awful lot can happen in two hours.** "

The smile on Klink's face froze. "There is **absolutely nothing to worry about...or is there?** " He sat down.

"Only time will tell." Hogan opened the cigar box and grabbed one. Then he offered the open box to the commandant who just shook his head. "Did you send flowers?"

"Of course, I've sent flowers," Klink sputtered. "I know how to be a gentleman."

"Then there's nothing to worry about." Hogan opened the door. "What could go possible wrong in two hours?" He started to smile. Klink huddled behind his desk and stared straight ahead. Hogan fixed the picture in his head, as he softly closed the door.

# # #

Hogan was still smiling as he opened the door to barracks 2. But his good mood evaporated as he saw the solemn faces of his men. Carter closed the door with hanging shoulders. Deep worry lines were engraved on Kinch's face. Newkirk looked slightly sick and LeBeau brimmed with fury.

"What happened?"

"Thrushbeard is dead," Kinch reported. "Gestapo shot him just outside the Hauserhof hotel. He was supposed to meet an informant there."

Taking a deep breath, Hogan put his foot on the bench and rubbed across his face. Another man lost. "He was one of our best." The solemn faces around him nodded in agreement. "The Underground was waiting for him." Kinch picked up the tale. "He had promised them some new information that we would need right away. They saw him getting shot."

"Was it a trap?"

"Probably not," Kinch answered. "He wasn't the only one shot. The other one was an Abwehr officer."

Hogan sighed. "And the information? Lost?"

"According to Greta, the barmaid, the Gestapo couldn't find it. They think one of them had hidden it in the hotel," Newkirk explained.

"Then the information is still lost. They will turn the hotel upside down. If they don't find it, they will simply burn it down." Hogan dropped his foot and turned away, as he saw Kinch hesitating for a moment. "What is it, Kinch?"

"We may have a small chance to retrieve the information. There's a wedding with a German general in the hotel and the general has thrown the Gestapo out until after the wedding." He took a deep breath. "Greta is asking if we can do something, so Thrushbeard wouldn't have died in vain."

Hogan pushed away from the table. "And what do they think we can do? There isn't even a guarantee that he had any important information. Maybe the Abwehr officer had just bluffed."

LeBeau pursed his lips. "It's supposed to be the Atlantic coastal defense plans. Thrushbeard had told Greta that the Abwehr officer would bring a microfilm, as she had asked him why he took such a high risk to meet an unknown informant." In a quiet voice, he added. "For him, it was worth it."

The Colonel massaged the bridge of his nose. If one piece of information was worth a lot, then that one. London's plans for an invasion were pretty advanced. The more information they had about the defense capabilities, the smaller their own death toll would be. He straightened. "You said wedding?"

"Yes, but she couldn't tell us who. Just that there were a lot of Wehrmacht uniforms."

Hogan started to pace. "It's Burkhalter's sister. Klink was just gloating about it."

Newkirk crossed his arms. "He hasn't any invitations lying around for us, by any chance?"

"No, but he has sent some flowers." A grin replaced the frown on Hogan's face while he snapped with his fingers.

"He has a plan," Kinch annotated in a voice between resignation and excitement.

"LeBeau, with me," Hogan ordered and hurried to the door. "You need to explain the commandant that he needs to go to this wedding."

"And how?" LeBeau managed to asked, before he had to run after Hogan.

# # #

"Herr Kommandant," Hogan stormed again into Klink's office without knocking.

Startled, Klink jumped up, his monocle fell out of his eye. "Colonel Hogan. What is-"

"We are supposed to be enemies, but if it's about women, we men need to stand together," Hogan continued without pause as Klink fumbled for his lost monocle. "I've just talked to LeBeau about the flowers you have sent to the wedding. You see, LeBeau was a minister before the war. He knows everything about weddings. And your flowers are going to ruin you."

"Minister? Weddings? What is wrong with my flowers?" Klink spluttered. Finally, he had put back his monocle and frowned at Hogan and LeBeau who were standing in front of his desk.

"Oui. If a man, not invited to a wedding, who happens to be an old flame of the bride, sends flowers, he wants to express his undying love and asks the bride to run away with him."

Klink straightened his shoulders. "I didn't ask anything ... Run away with her?"

"It's the official protocol. Everybody who ever married knows this," Hogan said.

The German colonel swallowed hard. "But I didn't know -"

"Surely Gertrude knows this. She would know everything about weddings." Hogan put his hands on the desk and leaned forward. "Just imagine, General Burkhalter guides his sister down the aisle. She stands next to her bridegroom. Smiling, she looks around and then spots your flowers. She drops everything and runs over. Smelling the flowers, she knows she has found her one true -"

"Stop!" Klink ordered near panic. "I don't want to image this." Devastated he crumbled down. "Now the Russian front seems like the Paradise."

"It doesn't have to end like that. You could get the flowers before she sees them. Come on," Hogan grabbed Klink's cap and coat. "Let's go. It's not too late yet. Fraulein Hilda?" he called out as he opened the door. "Tell Langenscheidt to bring the commandant's staff car!" He turned back to Klink. "We'll help you."

"But - " Klink narrowed his eyes. "This is just a plot to get out of the camp!"

"Colonel, you have my word as an officer – this time I just want to get to the hotel and then back. If I'd really want to escape, I'll just wait for Gertrude to arrive at the front gate in her white wedding dress and -"

Paling, Klink swallowed hard. Then he jumped up. "No more talking. We need to go." He had almost cleared the threshold as he stopped again, forcing Hogan and LeBeau to halt. "But I am not invited. They will not let me in to retrieve the flowers."

Hogan shrugged. "You don't need an invitation, if you're bringing gifts. General Burkhalter won't say no to what you have to offer."

"Of course, he can't say no to my present." Klink leaned forward into Hogan's personal space. "Just as a reminder, what is my gift?"

"LeBeau's cooking skills, of course. The best dessert for a wedding!" Hogan kept his eyes forward as he could virtually feel the daggers LeBeau stared into his back. If looks could kill, he would fall dead to the ground. "We'll just come with you and LeBeau is preparing the dessert in the hotel kitchen."

"Colonel Hogan, I can't take you with me – this will get me shot!"

"Gertrude comes running to the front gate. Her white wedding gown blowing in the wind and with a sweet smile she calls you 'Wilhelm'." Hogan kept weaving his tale. "And this time it won't be a nightmare, it'll be your life for the rest of your days." He paused for dramatic effect. "Or I can ensure that LeBeau is preparing a dessert that will save your life."

"Hogan!"

"We'll just don on some civilian coats and take Schultz as a guard with us. Nobody is going to question how your gift was created as long as it tastes good."

Klink looked around the room as if he tried to spot a better solution. But Hogan didn't have time to waste. " **Tick tock, tick tock.** In less than two hours you could be a married man."

"You're right. Sometimes a man has to do what he has to do." Klink took a deep breath, handed LeBeau and Hogan two civilian coats from his private coat-tree and rushed outside. Langenscheidt was already waiting in the staff car while Newkirk roamed around. Schultz opened the back door. "Herr Kommandant, what-"

"Schultz, get the truck and bring Colonel Hogan and Corporal LeBeau to the hotel. I'll be waiting," Klink ordered.

"We'll take your car. Schultz follow us with the truck," Hogan simply said. As Klink opened his mouth to protest, Hogan crossed his arms. "I have time. It's your ring finger."

Klink winced. "Fine. Schultz follow us."

"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant."

On Hogan's signal Newkirk draw nearer. "What do you need us to do?"

"Make sure that Schultz needs a long time to follow us."

"We'll keep him busy."

Hogan left a smirking Newkirk behind and climbed into the car with LeBeau following. Langenscheidt drove off while Hogan asked himself if he had lost his mind – driving to the Gestapo instead of away.

# # #

They had parked across the street and taken the front door, while the Gestapo agents had been busy harassing an older gentlemen who was trying to leave the hotel.

"What I am supposed to cook? With what ingredients?" LeBeau whispered. He had drawn his face to an angry scowl. "Cooking doesn't work like that." He snapped his fingers. "I need time."

"You'll get it. It's a wedding. It's going to take time," Hogan said. At LeBeau's doubtful look, he added: "just add a lot of alcohol." LeBeau growled at him and said something in French. Glad to be unable to understand the curse, Hogan concentrated on his far more worrisome task – finding a hidden microfilm.

"Now what?" Klink halted and echoed unknowingly Hogan's own question. For a quick glance the civilian coats could hide their allied uniform but it wouldn't take long to be spotted by one of the Wehrmacht officers. There would be questions, he'd rather avoided.

Hogan pointed to LeBeau and Langenscheidt. "You two should head to the kitchen," Hogan ordered. LeBeau nodded and started to walk away with Langenscheidt trotting after him. Thankfully nobody questioned how they knew where the kitchen was. "And we go searching for your flowers of unwanted marriage," Hogan said to Klink. But as his gaze traveled around the hotel he only had a microfilm in mind. "What did you send?" he asked, still distracted.

"Red roses, of course," Klink answered without hesitation.

"Red roses?" Hogan blinked astonished. He was after all really saving Klink from an unintended declaration of love.

"I know what kind of flowers you send a woman," Klink said defensively. His face reflected the felt insult. "It was hard enough to find a flower shop-" Suddenly it dawned on Klink. "You don't send red roses to a wedding?"

"Not if you're not the bridegroom." At least red roses should be easy to spot.

# # #

"Schultz," Newkirk ran up to the German guard just as he was about to start the truck. "Did you find them already?"

"Find what already?" Schultz asked before he thought better. "No, do not tell me. I have orders from the commandant to follow him into town."

"But Schultz," Kinch slid next to Newkirk. "You can't go without the rings. The commandant depends on you."

"Yes, Schultz," Carter stepped up to the opposite side of the truck. "He depends on you and you don't want to disappoint him, do you?"

"What rings? I know nothing about rings." Schultz looked from one to the other. His hand hovered over the ignition.

Newkirk made a dramatic sigh. "Hear, hear. The commandant storms away to marry the love of his life and his sergeant of the guards doesn't even know about it."

"This is terrible," Carter added, "how can you let down the poor Frau Linkmeyer like that?"

"Frau Linkmeyer? Marriage? What are you talking about?" Schultz started to stutter.

"Schultz," Kinch put his arm on Schultz' shoulder despite his fidgeting. "Frau Linkmeyer is in town and wants to marry an industrial magnate from Munich. The commandant just realized that he doesn't want to lose her and so he needs to stop the wedding and marry her himself."

"But he can't marry her without rings," Newkirk repeated. "That's the reason you're still here."

"He probably just didn't see them in his haste and they're in his office," Carter proposed. "We'll help you search and then you have to hurry after them, so you can be his best man."

"Frau Linkmeyer and the commandant?" Schultz frowned. A touch of suspicion flashed across his face. "You would not joke with me, would you?"

"Schultzie," Newkirk said with his most trustworthy face, "would we mess with a man's love life?"

# # #

Klink and Hogan had left the lobby and went to the ballroom. A big red curtain was stretched between the columns and separated the room in several parts. Even the normal wall had been covered by a curtain to create a uniform design.

"So, how do we find these deadly flowers?" Klink sidled next to Hogan to whisper his question. But his whisper was still loud enough to attract unnecessary attention. Hogan saw the danger but had just time to duck behind a curtain.

"Klink, what are you doing here?" Burkhalter's voice boomed across the room.

Colonel Klink startled. "General Burkhalter, what a surprise." Shaking, he faced the general. "I didn't know you were here."

"You are not invited to this wedding."

Klink swallowed hard. "A wedding? What wedding?" At Burkhalter's narrowed eyes, Klink started to stammer. "Oh, this wedding. I'm not here for this. I just ... I have just lost my cap the last time I was here."

Behind the curtain, Hogan rolled his eyes. Klink couldn't lie to save his life.

"You mean the very same cap you have on your head?" Burkhalter asked and his voice was dangerously low.

With a guilty look on his face, Klink grabbed his cap and pulled it down. His fingers dug into the soft material. He tilted his head and offered a thin apologetic smile. "This is my second one. I needed it to retrieve the one I have lost."

" **How could you lose something you never had?** You do not have two caps."

"Of course, Herr General," Klink nodded.

Hogan shrugged off his civilian coat, took a deep breath and stepped out. "General Burkhalter, what Colonel Klink is saying that he wishes to change his present for the bride – instead of some flower he brought Corporal LeBeau to create a delicious dessert that's worthy the wedding of the sister of a German general. But you weren't supposed to know."

A dark look crossed Burkhalter's face. "Colonel Hogan, why I'm not surprised. This is your plan."

Hogan grinned. "You're too clever. I just can't say no to some sweets. And seeing as I need to sample the dessert, it was the perfect opportunity to enjoy some good food."

Burkhalter growled and opened his mouth but then he thought it over. "Corporal LeBeau is the French cook? His dinner menus even makes Klink's company bearable." He curled his lips. "It would taste better and I wouldn't even need to pay for it." He considered it a moment. "Fine, you can take your flowers back and make a dessert, but you stay out of everything. I don't think Gertrude needs to be reminded of you. This is the day I have worked hard to achieve. I'm not going to let you ruin it."

"Jawohl, Herr General." Klink was almost giddy with relief. "I'm just going to grab the flowers and be gone. No need to worry. You won't even see us." Klink darted across the room until he had finally found his red roses. On the way back he almost ran over the bridegroom.

"Make sure that Gertrude doesn't see you." Burkhalter reminded Klink before he stalked away.

Hogan sighed. Klink wasn't supposed to be this successful as he still hadn't found the information.

Klink smelled at his flowers with a happy smile. Suddenly he frowned. "Where is Schultz? He should have been here by now."

# # #

"I can feel it, Schultz." Newkirk pressed the side of his face against the wall. "I almost have it. Just a little further." He tried to reach behind the filing cabinet because Carter had seen something there. But they couldn't reach it and so Schultz had been volunteered to pull the cabinet away from the wall. "Just a little -"

Suddenly the filing cabinet started to move fast and with a surprised shout, first Schultz and then the cabinet fell down with the cabinet landing on top of the German guard.

Newkirk slowly straightened up. "Thank you. Now I can see it. It's just a wire from the telephone."

"No rings?" Schultz asked breathless.

At the door Kinch laughed into his fist without making any sound, but his shoulders were shaking from laughter.

"No rings." Carter affirmed, "here let us help you." Together the three men pushed the filing cabinet off and helped him up.

"I need to go now." Schultz straightened his uniform. Carter picked up the helmet and offered it to him. Huffing, the German sergeant grabbed the steel helmet. "I have searched every inch and there is no ring."

"But Schultz, you also search everything in our barracks and yet never find anything. I'm sure it's here somewhere."

Schultz hesitated a moment. "And I am sure that I need to go now or walk to the Russian front."

Carter opened his mouth again, but then let the sergeant go without further comment. "He won't get far."

"He won't?" Newkirk stepped beside Carter. Together they watched Schultz starting the truck. "What did you do?"

"Put some crackers next to the motor – a little heat and then – booom!" Carter simulated his favorite moment with his hands and voice.

Kinch smirked. "Let's see if he can even drive long enough. He could have trouble steering after a little adjustment."

Newkirk leaned back, barely hiding his laugh. "I don't think that we'll even need this – I added a special ingredient to his tank. There's no way he is going to reach town."

# # #

"Gertrude wait!"

The shouted words alerted Hogan and Klink. The white hem was the first visible part of Gertrude Linkmeyer as she rushed down the steps.

"We need to hide or General Burkhalter ..." Klink didn't finish his sentence. Instead, he looked around frantically. "The curtain!" It was the only good place to hide in the wide and spacious ballroom.

"Gertrude, Helene doesn't mean anything. She is just -" The male voice called out again.

"Adolf, she is pregnant," Frau Linkmeyer countered in a shrill voice.

Klink cringed. Hogan looked up trying to keep his mind off the surreal situation. The edge of the curtain evinced an unusual bulge, right where the seam appeared to have been cut. Apparently, they weren't the first ones in need of a hiding spot.

"But it doesn't mean a thing," the man named Adolf insisted. Hogan assumed it was the bridegroom. "She is going to Lebensborn. Everything is arranged already. We just did what we -"

"A convenient excuse doesn't make it better."

Hogan looked around, ignoring the fight. He needed a tool. Next time he would demand more time for preparation and less need for improvisation.

"Gertrude, she doesn't mean anything. I just want to marry you."

"You just want to make money and use me and my brother for your business. I am just a way to my brother's contacts for you." Her voice had lost the shrill sound. But she sounded nearer and her determination echoed across the room. "But not with me!"

They were making enough noises for Hogan to grab the cloth and rip further apart the seam. Klink was too busy fearing to be seen by Gertrude Linkmeyer to even hear the ripping sound. Now he could reach inside with his hand. Carefully fingering, he found his price and pulled out a microfilm. For a moment he allowed himself to gloat. But then he remembered that this little film had gotten two men already killed.

"Gertrude-"

"No, Adolf, it's over. I'd rather marry Colonel Klink who can't stand me but at least he is honest about this and doesn't use me."

Klink winced with every word.

"But our wedding – you ..." Adolf started to stutter.

"There is no wedding. I'm going now and you can't stop me!"

"Gertrude?" Burkhalter asked and entered the out of control quarrel.

Hogan pulled the curtain slightly away. He couldn't have asked for a better diversion. Now he only needed to collect LeBeau and Langenscheidt and they could sneak away.

"Colonel?" A voice whispered from his left. "We're here. I can see your shoes."

Klink jerked but Hogan recognized LeBeau's voice right away. Behind LeBeau Langenscheidt watched the scene with big eyes. If everybody was watching like this, they wouldn't be seen. "I thought that this was maybe your -"

Hogan left his hiding spot. "Not this time." With a smirk, Hogan handed LeBeau the microfilm. "This time I'm innocent."

"No more talking," Klink ordered and rushed to the door. "We need to run while there's still a chance!"

# # #

They were on their way back to Klink's staff car. The excited chatter about the big fight and called off wedding had provided the perfect cover to slip out behind Frau Linkmeyer. General Burkhalter had been arguing with his sister, his almost brother-in-law and the Gestapo in one breath and nobody had paid them any attention.

"Hogan," Klink stopped in front of his car and turned around. "I do not want to sound sentimental but you are the best enemy a man could ask for."

Grinning, Hogan looked to LeBeau who patted his pocket and nodded. "I could say the very same thing."

With a bright smile, Klink clapped his hands together. "We need to celebrate this close call. Of course, it would be against the regulations but even the strictest commandant needs to make an exception now and then. Now about the cigar ..." Klink kept talking without registering that Hogan had stopped listening.

Langenscheidt drove them back. Hogan expected to find Schultz behind every curve, but he never turned up, until Langenscheidt suddenly braked hard in front of Stalag XIII. "What!" He stared out of the window in astonishment.

Hogan climbed out of the car. Behind him LeBeau also left the car and on the other side Klink jumped out. Speechless, the colonels looked around. Stalag XIII looked as if a bomb had exploded there. The left guard tower was fuming, small circles of smoke went up in the air and the whole construct canted. On the base of the tower, a truck had rammed one of the four struts. It was the source of the fire and impending collapse. Prisoners and guards alike ran around and tried to – Hogan narrowed his eyes. Actually, he had no idea what they were trying to do.

"What happened?" Klink blinked. With a shaking finger he pointed to the chaos. "My camp!"

Hogan wished he had a camera to make a photo of the sheer chaos. " **How did three men do all that without any help?** "

Suddenly Klink found his courage again. Taking his riding crop under his arm, he marched to the front gate, or better the place where the front gate was supposed to be. The remnants were dispersed all over the ground. "Schultz!"

The big sergeant hurried over. "Colonel Klink, you are back already?" He saluted with his right hand while keeping hold of a tiny bucket full of water in his left hand.

"What did you do!" Klink demanded. "I was just gone for a few hours."

"Herr Kommandant, I am terrible sorry but I could not find your rings and then the truck crashed in the tower and exploded but the prisoners rushed over and saved my life."

"My rings? What rings?"

"Your wedding -"

Klink moved his arm in a dismissing motion. "Who cares about a wedding?" He stalked off. "Just clean up this mess!"

Schultz lowered his hand and leaned near to Colonel Hogan. "Big shot seems unhappy. Did she say no?"

"Let's say it like this, no wedding vows were exchanged today."

"Ohh," Schultz made a face, but then he started to giggle. "I guess this is better for us."

"You have no idea." Gertrude Linkmeyer was a force to be reckoned with. He didn't want her to be his adversary. It wouldn't end well.

# # #

Hogan let the door fall shut behind him. He had lipstick on his collar and good news for his men. "We get more light and time in the recreation hall," he announced while he walked to his office. He had almost reached his door as he registered that none of his men had reacted. They still sat around the table playing cards. "Not interesting enough?"

"We just wanted to know what you thought about our little work here?" Newkirk stood up and sat on the table, putting his feet on the bench. His fingers worked through the cards in an endless loop.

Hogan smirked. "I have seen your work in Klink's office. A tornado wouldn't have left such a devastation."

"You don't want to know how we did it? Schultz didn't even find Colonel Klink's hidden stash of the good wine." Carter put down his cards. An eager smile lightened up his face. "We -"

"Carter, **for the first time since I took command, I want to know nothing.** " As he saw the crestfallen expressions, he softened his stand. "I can't start laughing every time I see the marks in Klink's office. Or anywhere else."

Newkirk laughed. "You're right, you don't want to know how the filing cabinet toppled over."

Hogan nodded. "I need to look our good commandant in the eye without laughing out loud. That's hard enough normally, but with your …" he trailed off and found understanding reflected in the surrounding faces.

"But I want to know," LeBeau announced. Newkirk and Carter sat eagerly down to tell their tale, while Kinch disappeared in the tunnel.

He went to his office and closed the door behind him. The excited chatter from the main room lightened the burden as he grabbed his fairy tale book. He opened it and searched for the tale of Thrushbeard. Then he crossed it out. The pencil marks were beginning to pile up. Closing the book, he offered a silent prayer for another nameless and faceless man, he just had known as Thrushbeard.

After a short rap against his door, Kinch peered inside. "Colonel? London wants to talk to you about the microfilm. They're trying to create a new word for 'fast'."

"Coming," Hogan said. In the end, Thrushbeard hadn't died for nothing after all and if one man more survived the coming invasion it would be thanks to him.

Keeping in mind that even small things or failures could make a difference, Hogan hurried after Kinch. He would do his part of the little things.

 **The End**

 _Thank you for reading._


End file.
